Indie Publisher's Misleading Guide to Riches

Wide Array Closes Mexican Branch

2010-11-07T15:18:00.000-08:00

MCALLEN, Texas -- Wide Array closed its Matamoros, Mexico, branch last night amid local gunfire. The Spanish-language branch of the independent publisher had opened its doors that morning. By noon, co-owner Jarrod Harelik had contracted Montezuma's Revenge. Six hours from opening, co-owner JD Reid was accused by authorities of running guns out of the just-opened store's back door. Said Reid, upon crossing back over the border with an armful of Dos Cuervos Arribista, "I'm going to Pakistan, man. F--k this place." Harelik has yet to return from the Mexican hospital.

Stop the Presses

2010-10-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

Wide Array will be halting work on several titles:

Our children's book, which had tentatively been titled Once Upon a Something
A novel, titled Stephen King (There were some legal issues.)
A novel, titled John Grisham (Again, legal issues.)
A how-to book that just asked a bunch of questions
Upstart Crows III: Seasoned Crows
A pop-up book about knives

But please stay tuned. Many other titles remain in production.

Wide Array Building Frankestein CEO: Your Body Parts Wanted

2010-10-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

Daniel and I want to learn how to play golf, so we've decided we need a figurehead, someone to represent the company and give us a little more free time. The challenge with this, however, is that figureheads are difficult to control, and they usually want some kind of "compensation." Therefore, we've decided to whip up a CEO from spare body parts. Here's where all of you come in: We need some spare body parts.

You might be wondering, what constitutes a "spare" body part, and where would you find one? Well, just look in the mirror. Most of what you've got, you've got two of, so don't hesitate to lend us a hand. Or a foot. We also need kidneys, ears, fingers, toes, a nose, and just about everything else. Don't worry about overloading us with extras; we'll figure out something to do with the overflow.

You're probably asking, will you get paid for your contributions? Not exactly, although we'll keep our Frankenchief well-fed, and that's kind of like feeding you, if you've been kind of enough to fork over a piece of yourself. And look at it this way: This is your opportunity to freakin' run a company without all the stress and time commitment. Who needs moolah when you've got the pride of being a part of something so great? And if that doesn't convince you, just do it out of the goodness of your heart.

Oh, yeah. Heart. We'll definitely need a heart.

Wide Array Wins Nobel Prize

2010-10-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

It was announced this morning. "I was asleep when the phone rang," says co-founder Jarrod Harelik. "I called to let him know the big news," says co-founder JD Reid. "I couldn't believe it, I was just overwhelmed with excitement," says co-founder Jarrod Harelik. "He seemed really out of it, but he had told me the day before how he hadn't been sleeping very well, and the lack of sleep made it really hard to do normal tasks," says co-founder JD Reid. "I thought it was weird that the committee wouldn't call me personally," says co-founder Jarrod Harelik. "I told him the committee called me first, because they could only make one call, it being overseas and whatnot," says co-founder JD Reid. "I'm not sure, but I started to think that he was f---king with me," says co-founder Jarrod Harelik. "I was just trying to make him feel better, he'd been complaining so much lately about whatever, I don't know, I usually just tune it out," says co-founder JD Reid. "I really need some new friends," says co-founder Jarrod Harelik. "I bet he really got a kick out of the whole thing," says JD Reid.

Wide Array Policy Change

2010-10-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

While it's been our policy in the past to fire employees who pronounce a hard "g" when saying "longitude," we are now offering some latitude on the issue.

However, we remain firm on the issue of bathroom breaks. Bathroom breaks are for closers, people.

For Sale: Wide Array Trapeze

2010-09-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

This isn't a trapeze built by Wide Array. We bought it for the business, for marketing purposes, and it just didn't work out.

It's a flying trapeze. You'll definitely need a wide open space. That was our first sign that we had not thought things through with the purchase, because Wide Array headquarters is a little cramped, even after the latest round of layoffs.

Let us be clear: This trapeze has only been used once! It's in perfect condition, except for a very small blood stain on one of the bars. Otherwise, it's in "like new" condition.

We can let this trapeze go for $75,000, but that's us taking a real bath on the whole deal. No returns, so please do not purchase this thing from us and then want to return it because you forced an employee to do something he was not trained to do and killed him!

Note: Net not included, but we strongly recommend purchasing a net.

Libricide

2010-09-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

Well, America just barely escaped another good book burning. Wide Array was not supportive of the burning of the Koran, but that is not to say that we aren't behind book burning in general. Wide Array fully supported the burning of the writings of Johann Christian Edelmann by Imperial authorities in Frankfurt in 1750 -- who wasn't? And then later, Wide Array also stood behind burnings of the ending of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, because the ending is kind of a letdown; however, it's difficult to control a burn of a dozen or so later pages of a book, and usually the whole goes.

The Koran, simply, wasn't the right choice. Who's even read it? That would be like burning Joyce's Finnegan's Wake or Obama's Health Care Reform Bill. No, when you burn a book, you have to burn a good one, one that people really want to read.

That's why Wide Array would now like to offer its new "Upstart Crows I & II Book Burning Bundle": two inflammable books, one insane-able price! Get 'em while they're hot!

Justin Bieber Hits Puberty, Hair Goes Frizzy

2010-09-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

Teen sensation Justin Beiber’s hair is no longer straight and flippable. After a sudden bout of puberty, Beiber’s voice dropped an octave and he grew three inches. But most notably, his hair went oily and frizzy.

“He still tries to do that hair flip—you know, to get the hair out of his eyes,” said a former female fan, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But now his hair looks sticky and curly, and it’s not in his eyes at all, so when he does that thing with his head it comes off like a psychotic tic.”

Another former fan added, “I like frizzy hair. But not on Justin.”

“He was always so proud of his hair,” said his mother, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He called it his trademark. All of us loved it, actually. I even tried to get it insured by Lloyd’s of London, but they wouldn’t do it, because they suspected a day like this was coming. We should have paid more attention.”

Reportedly, the change literally happened overnight. On a recent concert tour, Bieber jogged out on stage, revealing his frizzed hair to the public for the first time. The crowd went into a hushed silence, and during the first song, most of the audience turned away from the singer, heads bowed. During his second song that night, Beiber sprained an ankle, but most who witnessed the incident are pretty sure Beiber feigned the sprain due to his embarrassment.

“You’ve got to feel sorry for the guy,” his manager stated, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “His hair goes frizzy—oh, and he’s also got this big red zit on the end of his nose right now, which has got to hurt like hell. But it’s kind of okay, even though it could be the end of some major cash flow for all of us. I mean, the kid was sixteen and still a pre-teen. That’s not normal. Maybe he’ll go to college.”

Beiber could not be reached for comment.

A Publisher's Limerick 4

2010-09-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

There once was a bulb of light.
It sat on my head at night.
It plagued me till three,
When sleep had mercy,
And ideas done gave up the fight.

Wide Array Congratulates Butterfly

2010-09-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

From the Dallas Trivial:

"Wide Array, the celebrated indie publishing company, has publicly congratulated the Thai butterfly that last month flapped its wings back in its native land, subsequently causing the 'bad-ass' tropical storm weather that has been plaguing Texas, Wide Array's home state.

The butterfly could not be reached for comment."

Labor Day

2010-09-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

Wide Array would like to announce that it is now concerned with the plight of the worker. What with tomorrow being Labor Day, we decided to give the day off to our employees. Both of the kids put in 110%, seven days a week, 365 days a year, for this "good resume opportunity." We don't pay much as an independent publisher, but we do offer some perks: Jarrod, for one, helps both Bryan and Kate finish their homework -- sixth-grade math can be difficult if it's been a while. I, for another, give these two homeless children lunches most days; what I'm too full to eat, goes right to them. A happy worker, after all, is a productive worker.

As an aside, Labor Day began in the late 1800s, when some US Military personnel shot and killed several workers during the infamous Pullman Strike. The Pullman Strike, as you are probably aware, is what actors do when they find out Bill Pullman has been cast in their movie. It makes for a dangerous work environment.

Happy Labor Day!

Afterbirth

2010-08-14T13:36:00.001-07:00

I wanted to post an official Happy Birthday wish to Daniel yesterday, but it was Friday the 13th, and I don't use electronics on Friday the 13th. I also don't speak to anyone on Friday the 13th, or leave the house. I don't eat on that day, either, or laugh or smile. I don't move from my bed, or take off my protective gloves, or attempt in any way to lift the veil of darkness that surrounds my inner world. It is a solemn, unhappy day, and yet perhaps it is more real than other days, when we goad one another into fabricated smiles and impossible ambitions. Perhaps.

Anyway, it's the 14th now, so Happy Birthday, Daniel!

Wide Array Cancels Cider Service

2010-08-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

This week, media company Wide Array canceled the "hot apple cider" delivery service it had just weeks before added to its repertoire of inane offerings.

Said co-owner Daniel Reid, "We had to cancel the service. Nobody was ordering the cider. We tried it. We thought it would work. But nobody wants cider. Maybe nobody likes cider."

Added co-owner Jarrod Harelik, "Maybe they like it, but not so much that they would order a glass like you would a pizza."

Both Reid and Harelik then shrugged. When asked why they were handcuffed together, they responded simultaneously, "No comment."

Google

2010-08-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

Let's take a look back at "Charlie Rose" by Samuel Beckett. I've been trying to deconstruct this difficult one-act play since I first saw it back in '08, I believe.

Which is this?

2010-08-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

A line from a Cormac McCarthy novel, or a line from NPR as I was driving to work today:

"Their bloated bodies rot in the fetid waters."

Answer: Both.

Wide Array Affirmations

2010-07-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

No matter who you are, no matter what you do for a living, you can use the affirmations we use everyday here at Wide Array. Yes, some appear specific to the publishing world, but feel free to revise slightly to fit your needs, if need be.

1. I am not ugly; I just need to clean my bathroom mirror.
2. I will publish a book today. Or someday.
3. Crying is for babies; I'm not a baby, so why am I crying?
4. I will keep my head up, because soon a rich person is going to order all those thousands of remaining copies of Upstart Crows I and II still sitting on shelves in the Wide Array basement.
5. I keep eating the same thing everyday not because I'm boring, but because I'm methodical.
6. I will update my website today. Or someday.
7. I finish what I start.
8.

I Want To Be A Comedian

2010-07-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

I mean, people already tell me I dress poorly, so that's step number one. I need:

1) rubber chicken
2) jokes
3) ride on more airplanes
4) cocaine problem
5) sitcom where I go through pretty normal circumstances, but in a really sarcastic way that makes it hard to feel any compassion toward me
6) start laughing at things that aren't funny, like
a. Gilbert Godfrey
b. jokes about how ordering coffee at Starbucks is hard

Anyway, I'm playing tonight at the Ha-Ha Hole.

Company Facts

2010-06-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

For the curious and pestering:

Company Name: Wide Array
Years in business: 3
Owner(s): Daniel Reid and Jarrod Harelik
Location: Waco, Dallas, and Virtual, depending on our mood swings
# of employees: 0 to 400, depending on our mood swings
# of books in print: 2
# of projects in the works: 0 to 400, depending on our mood swings
# of dollars in our WA business account: 0 to -400, depending on our day jobs
Owners' combined weight: app. 330 pounds
Owners' combined personal funds: app. 330 pounds (495 USD)
# of tears shed in an average year: app. 330 pounds

Nom de Plume

2010-06-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

We all love Plato, right? I'm not talking about the salty, squishy type; I mean the guy in the toga. The one who said, "People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die."

But are you aware that Plato is actually his wrestling name? Yeah, he was a big wrestler and he used a stage name, like Junkyard Dog. Plato means "broad." I don't know what his regular name was. Clark something.

The point being, I need a stage name that describes what I look like. I'm thinking something along the lines of The Bell, or perhaps, Junkyard Dog.

Jarrod, by the way, is going by Glass Jaw.

The Long and Winding Future of Wide Array

2010-06-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

The New York Times recently ran an article about the fate of human beings. It looks like we'll be gone soon -- and living forever at the same time. You see, humans will use technology to become something that's less "human being" and more "human thing." In this way, our consciousness will live on indefinitely, never to fall victim to grim death. There would be eternal taxes, too, of course, but all in the name of everlasting life!

Here at Wide Array, we like that. We're throwing our full support into the idea. Just think: we can go anywhere, and do anything. With no secrets or other human foibles, there won't be any reason to fight (barring the inevitable big battle between Mac and PC races, of course). Eventually, our only purpose will be on conquering new worlds. Is conquering the right word? Eh, let's go with it. It reminds us of those quaint human beings we know and love.

The article's here, in case you'd like to know what the hell I'm barking about.

I'm Gettin' Too Old For This Shiii---! (Explosion.)

2010-06-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

A recent New York Times article has declared that I am at the peak of my writing. Luckily, no one would know based on the volume of my output. Now, I may have nothing put together that anyone would particularly want to read; however, if I combined everything I ever wrote, mashed it all together in a great sandwich of a subpar literary experience and called it The Collected Works of ..., I could just say it was supposed to be ironic: all the unfinished stories, the paragraph openers of things that never went further, etc., etc. Might be embarrassing. Though, I'm getting used to that.

Border Patrol

2010-06-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

As Wide Array is currently engrossed in Roberto Bolano's The Savage Detectives, we can't help but considered our friends south of the border. Now, after reading 2666, it occurred to us that we should build a gigantic wall with armed guards across the Rio Grande. It isn't so much that we are concerned about the state of illegal immigrants; rather, we are concerned that Wide Array will be murdered and left for dead in the desert.

The Savage Detectives, however, seems a tad friendlier, though we are not very far into it. This is good news. We had canceled our company trip to Tijuana based solely on 2666, but we would've lost our deposit. Now, we may continue as planned. So, if you are attending our annual company trip southward, please make sure you pack the following items:

Waiver (signed)
Suntan lotion and beach towel
Pistol (loaded)
Passport
$300 personal burial money
Maps (current and Ambrose Bierce-era [we will find his body]
Common Mexican phrase book
Large gym sock (for steroid transportation)
Snakebite juice
Kindle

We will meet at the Wal-Mart in El Paso. If anyone asks, you're going to meet Roberto Bolano. And you've never heard of Wide Array, aka Muestrario Ancho ...

Considering the Bookmark

2010-06-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

Wide Array is considering making bookmarks. I know what you're thinking: We're a tiny company, so how could we expect to compete with Big Bookmark?

The answer: It won't be easy, but it can be done. The trick is to the think outside of the box -- or, to put it more accurately, think outside of the rectangular bookmark shape. Yes, unusual bookmarks have been done before, but not like we would do them. How about a bookmark that's an edible cracker? Or a digital bookmark that not only tells you what page you're on, but recaps what you've read so far?

One of our most creative bookmark ideas is not a physical bookmark at all, but a 900 phone number you can call to find out where to start reading again.

The bookmark-et is cramped, but there's room for improvement. Wide Array to the rescue? Only time will tell.

By the way: You're on page 98. Happy reading.

Wide Array's 5 Most FAQ

2010-05-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

1) What is Wide Array?

Wide Array is a multi-national conglomerate hell-bent on ruling the world with an iron fist. We're like Wal-Mart, only we use a frowny face in ad campaigns instead of a smiley face. Wait -- on second thought, we're just indie publishers on a mission to make good books that earn as little money as possible.

2) Where are you located?

We're virtual. Isn't everybody?

3) As not only publishers, but writers, does it bother you that song lyrics are often grammatically incorrect?

Oh, yes. In fact, we'll correct many of these errors personally with our future release Sing It Properly! Corrected song lyrics include: "I want to hold your hand," "I can't get any satisfaction," and "You are not anything but a hound dog."

4) What is your philosophy?

We have different philosophies: Daniel would like to hold your hand, and Jarrod believes we are not anything but hound dogs. Neither of us, incidentally, can afford satisfaction.

5) Why are you guys so slow in getting books out?

We'll get back to you on that one. (Note: It may take a while.)

Kindle

2010-05-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

I want one.

That being said, we at Wide Array were glancing at the top-selling books on Kindle and something occurred to us: You can gauge society by its top sellers.

No. 1 Kindle top seller:

The Surgeon: with Bonus Content by Tess Gerritsen

If you're like me and said, "What the f--k is that?" then you are correct. Apparently, America has a fascination with some sort of medical-mystery thing. There's a dead body on the cover, so I'm guessing the titular surgeon is in Obama-era, socialized medicine.

Anyway, you go down the list: mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery. The book Sh*t My Dad Says is outselling Laura Bush's book. I can see that.

So, the key therefore is to write mysteries. I gotta come up with a cool way to kill people.

Really, I just want to know what that bonus material is. I guess I have to get a Kindle to find out.

A Publisher's Limerick 3

2010-05-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

There once was a sad paper book.
Its pages could find no nook.
So it took a tip from a hipster's lip,
And whipped up a digital look.

On the Road

2010-05-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

As I jog my way around the country on my publicity stunt, I often get asked the same questions. I'd like to answer the first one real quick: No, I'm not Forest Gump. I don't know who that is. If I were to be compared to any athlete, it would be Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds. So, stop asking me if I'm upset about Jenny. I don't know who that is either.

Once that's out of the way, people ask me why I'm running around the country. No, I'm not protesting the war. I can't even remember the last time we went to war. The real reason is that I'm planning on writing another novel. Save your breath though (that's what I'm doing right now at Crystal Mae's Ice Cream Parlor), because I know you have to have a novel before you can have another one; my other publicity stunt, you see, is designed to publish my books out of order. So, once I get this next one done, then I'll go backward and publish those old pieces of crap.

Anyway, anticipating the writing and releasing of the book, a book tour will certainly follow. I have to plan, therefore, which cities to visit, building up a fan base in the process. I'm running because I can't get my car started. That being said, I don't think I have any fans in New Mexico. I need to try Colorado. Anybody have a map? I knew I should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

A Note On Daniel's Progress

2010-05-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

Many of you are aware that, to promote Wide Array, Daniel has taken it upon himself to jog across the country. Currently, Daniel is in Albuquerque, which I'm told is a city. He's been there for three weeks now. Something tells me he's not going to continue.

Not that I'm giving up on him. It's just that he's been there for so long. And he didn't even jog there; he took a plane. When I called to ask him how things were going, he was drinking a milkshake. When I asked him why he was drinking a milkshake, he said it was to wash down the beers.

I don't think he's going to continue.

Wide Array: The Sitcom

2010-05-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

Wide Array has been asked to pitch a situation comedy that centers around the day-to-day workings of our company. This is new territory for us, both in genre and medium, so we're moving steadily but slowly -- like the proverbial tortoise!

Anyway, we're currently brainstorming for storylines . Here's a taste:

1) Daniel has trouble getting into a hammock.
2) Jarrod agrees to watch an oversized dog for a day.
3) Daniel sells some cheap shampoo to Jarrod, which dyes his hair green -- just before a TV interview.
4) Daniel goes on two dates at the same time.
5) Jarrod goes on a date.
6) Daniel accidentally overhears part of a conversation Jarrod is having with an unknown party, and then mistakenly believes Jarrod is a secret spy.
7) Jarrod and Daniel buy a restaurant, but the staff quits -- just before opening night.
8) Attempting to woo a big investor, Daniel claims that Wide Array has invented a flying car, and then he and Jarrod must take drastic measures when the investor wants to see it with his own eyes.
9) Clip show.

Wide Array Heads to the Gutter

2010-05-02T14:27:00.001-07:00

What with the news that erotica boosting modern book publishers, Wide Array has decided to open a new division: Wide Array Smut. We are currently accepting submissions.

Our first piece is entitle, "Indie Pube-isher's Misleading Guy to His Bitches." It's about two indie publishers who try to make some quick cash by becoming DFW pimps. Hilarity ensues. (It's not funny; "Hilarity" is the main female protagonist; she is a prostitute.)

Wide Array Memo

2010-04-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

To All Employees

Continuing to strive for excellency, we ask all employees to take heed of our latest policy revisions:

*All DVD players on the grounds must be switched to Betamax VCRs.
*Casual Friday is now Courtroom Wig Day.
*No more handshakes. Verbal greetings to coworkers and customers will be followed with an informal, "Give me some skin."
*Wide Array will now participate in the monthly stoning of its least favorite employees, to be decided upon by secret ballot.
*All lighting will now be strobe lighting.
*Please ignore last week's memo stating that custodians must not wear shirts. Custodians must now wear shirts.
*While family photos may continue to be exhibited in cubicles, photos containing ugly children must be censored with official Wide Array Smiley Stickers, to be purchased at the offender's expense. The ugliness of the children will be decided upon by secret ballot.
*You may now pee in the pool.

Thank you for your attention to these policy revisions. If you have any questions, please write them under your name on the Wide Array Monthly Stoning Chart.

Sincerely,

Jarrod Harelik and Daniel Reid

Highlights of A New Batman Sequal (as proposed by my daughter)

2010-04-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

Batman's stomach hurts; goes to the doctor; too much candy.
Batman needs a haircut; oops! the barber can't find the cloak for clippings; Batman flips his cape over.
Batman's new catch phrase: "I'm sleepy."
Batman yells at Robin for not driving in a straight line; Robin toots.
Batman, Robin and a Lego skeleton go on a bear hunt.
Batman goes to jail; Robin breaks him out; they are on the run; then they go to Gatti-land.
Robin's stomach hurts; goes to the doctor; too much candy.
Batman has an evil twin; they fight; they become friends; they team up against Robin.

Script is forthcoming.

Nostradamus' Lost Prophecy

2010-04-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

Being a business, we're all too often reminded that we should keep our eye on the bottom line. At the same time, here at Wide Array we feel the need to be socially aware and responsible, and to do good work. We're not terribly business-minded anyway -- more creative and academic, you might say. And that's how we came upon, during our research, a lost quatrain traced back to none other than Nostradamus. We present it to you, our fans, here, for free. Please consider this for entertainment purposes only, and remember that Nostradamus' work, though often taken as prophecy, is quite inscrutable and therefore open to many interpretations:

Not in the mood to be vague tonight.
A vision of a show called Happy Days.
Includes a break out character called the Fonz.
He looks pretty cool; I wish I could watch.

Airport Diversions

2010-04-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

What with the air traffic coming to a standstill, we at Wide Array would like to offer a selection of airport paperbacks to keep you absorbed as you sit, doing nothing, at the local airport. So, once you've exhausted Cinnabon and Chili's Too, drop into your local airport bookstore and check out one or more of the following:

THE SILENT SEA (The Oregon Files) by Clive Cussler and Jack Du Brul

IN ODD WE TRUST by Queenie Chan and Dean Koontz
THE LAST SONG, by Nicholas Sparks
JUST TAKE MY HEART, by Mary Higgins Clark
CONSERVATIVE VICTORY, by Sean Hannity
ARE YOU THERE, VODKA? IT'S ME, CHELSEA, by Chelsea Handler

Once you've knocked out this drivel, you can go back to reading your ticket stub.

Have a great flight!

Wide Array Question Grab Bag

2010-04-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, we respond to questions pulled randomly from our reader mailbag:

Q: Wide Array, is your blog currently on hiatus?

A: Yes.

Full of App

2010-04-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

Some have asked, "Where's the Wide Array app?"

Well, there isn't one. That's not to say there won't be one someday. Part of the delay stems from us busying ourselves with all the other apps out there. It's amazing. If you need an app, there it is. Except for Wide Array, but we already discussed that, so drop it already.

Anyway, I'm big into useful iPhone apps. I stress useful, because there are those useful apps, and then there are those time killers. I'm too busy for time killers, so I like apps that make me more productive. Eventually, when I'm so productive that I have extra time, then I'll kill it, because there are plenty of apps for that.

Okay, so there is one app I use that you could consider a time killer. It's the app version of Scrabble, called Words With Friends. It's a game, but it exercises your brain, so it's not all wasted time. It's not like the fart app my brother loves so much. At least, I think that's an app. Maybe he's just farting.

So, Words With Friends. Check it out. Other good apps: QuickVoice, to dictate notes to yourself; NYTimes app, for the daily news; ScannerPro, which allows you to scan hard copy documents when you haven't got a scanner or fax around; and Awesome Note, when average note-taking just isn't enough.

We'll promote our own app when it's out. For now, though, tell us some of your favorites. We're always on the lookout.

Hallelujah, It's Easter!

2010-04-04T08:07:00.001-07:00

Today is Easter, and if you're like me, you're not going to church, but instead writing your Sunday blog for The Indie Publisher's Misleading Guide to Riches. That being said, we should still remember what Easter is truly about: brunch. No other day has such a promising meal combination. I can practically taste the third plate of just a crab leg, a chocolate-covered strawberry and a bacon omelet.

Food aside, Easter is about Jesus. If your unfamiliar with the Jesus story or you're some sort of pagan (those might actually be the same thing), Jesus was a shepherd who, one day when his rabbits got loose, had to run around frantically trying find all of their eggs to take to market. Because he lost so many and was unable to pay his debts, the merchant of Bethlehem showed a contract that required Jesus' death in the event of not receiving his eggs. After his crucifixion, Jesus came out of his tomb three days later (Easter -- today) and saw his shadow and then spring is here. So all you kids out there -- help Jesus find his eggs in your hunt!

And for all you pagans out there -- be sure to meet up at the brunch buffet before the church crowd gets there.

Happy Easter!

Wide Array Helps Other Businesses!

2010-03-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

It's true. We're not just in it for ourselves. Besides, we've got so many good ideas, there are plenty to go around. Therefore:

1) Subway Sandwiches's board of directors should call themselves The Sandwich Board. The double meaning would be both clear and humorous to all, and could lead to a small increase in sandwiches sold.

2) Starbucks should offer a "grounds buyback" program. Most people who buy ground coffee use the grounds once and then throw them out. But with enough of those used grounds, Starbucks could brew a new and refreshing "lite" coffee drink. Because there's still good coffee potential in those grounds.

3) Wal-Mart should deliver. It would be nice to pick up the phone and speed dial for some pens, and have them in one's hand fifteen minutes later with little to no effort on one's own part.

4) Google, having now conquered web searching, should help me find my keys.

5) Banks should start giving loans again.

People Who Say "Memoir" Without Pronouncing the R

2010-03-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

The other day, I caught myself using the word "memoir" and I didn't pronounce the R sound. That went over like one of Joyce Carol Oates' farts -- everyone wondered how something that sounded so effeminate stunk so bad. Almost immediately I thought, "God, I'm an asshole."

Really, I never thought it would happen to me. It's like the friend who spends a summer in England, and now Bennigan's is a "pub"; or the other friend who'll only watch British "football" on channel 475, because American football is "shite"; or the other friend who ...

Ah, what's the difference? The learned are flashers, when you think about -- only, instead of a sweaty set of jewels, you've get something really unpleasant. Now, I didn't go to France to get my half-finished "memoir," but I did get an MFA, so that's close enough. I did, however, need to cleanse the palate of this unnecessary Francophone; namely, I started a campaign to bring back the phrase "Freedom Fries." Who's with me?

This is a cautionary tale, I hope you know. If you feel like you've been a victim of intellectual flashing, please give us your tale. If you are, in fact, an intellectual flasher, please know that there is help.

Troll-Way Tale, Part II

2010-03-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

The troll balanced a pair of bifocals on his nose and pulled from nowhere a sheet of paper with writing on it.

“Question #1,” the troll said. “If given the opportunity to cross this bridge again, would your decision to do so be: a) very likely, b) somewhat likely, or c) not very likely?”

Daniel and I looked at each other and said in unison, "Not very likely."

The troll did a clearly unintentionally funny double take. He stared at us for a long time, and then he snorted. Looking a little embarrassed, he continued. “Okay, then. Question #2. How would you rate the appearance of this bridge: a) very clean, b) somewhat clean, or c) not very clean?"

Daniel sighed. “Somewhat clean.”

"But I just hosed--!" the troll started, and then he stopped and composed himself. He looked ready to cry. "Well,” he said. “That's--that's just fine. Final question, then. "How does a troll impeding your passage across the bridge affect your bridge experience: a) not a whit, b) half a whit, or c) one full whit?"

I said, “One full whit." Daniel nodded in concurrence.

The troll's mouth dropped, and he began hopping madly, and again started screaming, "Whinnywhinnywhinnywhinny!" He tore up the sheet of paper he was holding and flung the scraps into the air, and they would have rained upon him had he not then vanished in a thick plume of smoke.

We were now free to cross the bridge. We turned back instead, though, choosing to look elsewhere for our hub.

A List of Upcoming Wide Array Projects

2010-03-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

People often ask us, "Say, Wide Array, what's coming up in the WA catalog for us, the readers, to enjoy?" Well, for starters: Wide Array is always at surplus for great ideas. The big question is, what to do first, what to do second, et cetera. Some of our ideas are long-standing ones, which we've carefully crafted and for which we've just awaited the right moment. Some of our ideas are slapdash. Bottom line: We just want to keep things interesting. So, here are some of our ideas, bulleted so as not to indicate importance.

Indie Publisher's Misleading Guide to Riches, an exposé on the greed and reckless behavior of a pair of monomaniacal book publishers
Becoming Lolita, a heartwarming story of a man's determination to write the great American novel, told from the point of view of Nabokov's note cards
Ordinary Homes, Extraordinary Gardens, a custom book that takes a closer look at misplaced priorities
Becoming B. Cumming, the heartwarming story of Scottish footballer Robert "Bobby" Cumming, remembered fondly for the ferocity of his tackling
Golden Showers, another custom book that takes a closer look into luxury bathrooms

We also have a children's book series, entitled The Boy Who Didn't Pay Much Attention in School, featuring such episodes as, "Why's You Under Your Desk?" wherein our titular character doesn't know what to do during a nuclear attack, and "Oops, traffic!" wherein our titular character forgets to look both ways.

Look for these and more in your monthly Wide Array eblast, which is also on our forthcoming list.

Troll-Way Tale, Part I

2010-03-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

Wide Array, our publishing company, is looking for a hub. Daniel and I have been searching nonstop for a location to bed down and ply our trade. If you'd like us in your town, please fire us a notice. But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing to tell you about the troll. He's an evil troll, and he lives under a bridge.

So, Daniel had heard about this neat old empty building one town over. "A perfect place for a hub!" Daniel shouted in my face. I was open-minded, though hesitant. The building -- and the town-- sounded fine, but I knew that there was only one way there: you had to cross a crotchety ol' wooden bridge. I don't like bridges. Not at all.

"Don't be a #$%^," Daniel said, calling me by a name I won't repeat here, but it rhymes with "mussy." So I agreed to check it out with him. Everything was fine until we got to the bridge. Before we could set tread to wood, the meanest-looking troll jumped out from underneath the thing and went "Whinnywhinnywhinnywhinny!" He sounded like a miniature horse having a conniption fit.

"What the #$%^ is that?" Daniel exclaimed, using that same unrepeatable word again, even though it didn't seem to fit at all into the context of the sentence this time.

"I think it's a troll," I said, and I said it pretty calmly, because I prefer trolls over bridges any day.

"Of course I'm a troll!" the troll said. "And this is my bridge!"

"Can we cross?" Daniel said, while stealthily pointing to a Japanese throwing star, which happened to be attached to his belt buckle, and the way he was pointing was basically like asking me if he should take out the troll with the star. I shook my head "no," as if to say, no not yet.

"You may cross," the troll said. "But first you must answer me these questions three."

We thought about it and said something along the lines of, okay, why not, it's not everyday you're questioned by a troll. And so the troll proceeded with his queries.

To be continued...

Wide Array Makes the News

2010-03-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

While we're too lazy to link to full articles, here are some recent Wide Array headlines:

"Wide Array's Daniel Reid Vows to Stop Kicking People: Into Punching Now"

"Wide Array Sues Moon"

"Local Morons Spill Giant Vat of Soup, Many Scalded"

"Jarrod Harelik of Wide Array Speaks Out Over Streaking Scandal: Blames 'Invisible Fabric'"

"Shoddy Oil Derrick Collapses"

"Moon Triumphs"

Kleos 9 to 5

2010-03-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

I've decided that from this point forward, Wide Array will function on the search kleos. Wide Array, in other words, will seek glory through heroic battle. We must choose our fate. I mean, it's right there in the book:

μήτηρ γάρ τέ μέ φησι θεὰ Θέτις ἀργυρόπεζα
διχθαδίας κῆρας φερέμεν θανάτοιο τέλος δέ.
εἰ μέν κ’ αὖθι μένων Τρώων πόλιν ἀμφιμάχωμαι,
ὤλετο μέν μοι νόστος, ἀτὰρ κλέος ἄφθιτον ἔσται
εἰ δέ κεν οἴκαδ’ ἵκωμι φίλην ἐς πατρίδα γαῖαν,
ὤλετό μοι κλέος ἐσθλόν, ἐπὶ δηρὸν δέ μοι αἰὼν
ἔσσεται, οὐδέ κέ μ’ ὦκα τέλος θανάτοιο κιχείη.

But I'm not entirely sure if a business can declare war. Going on some previous wars, I would think that's possible, but I don't know. Plus, I really only want to work during business hours. Also, would we have to declare war on another business? I guess we'd have to.

Therefore, watch your back, phonebook people. You've been blocking my doorstep for too long now.

What I Did

2010-03-03T15:39:00.000-08:00

Thousands and thousands of people wrote in asking what I, Wide Array co-owner Jarrod Harelik, did for my birthday -- or, at least thousands thought about writing in to ask, probably. Whatever. Here is what I did:

1) early to rise
2) stubbed toe, wept (note: weeping unrelated to stubbing toe)
3) wrote caustic letters to several nonprofits around the country (note: unsent due to fear of retaliation)
4) breakdancing class
5) took "birthday boy" coupon to local restaurant for free meal (note: seating denied due to "offensive" attire)
6) filled up on peanuts
7) think tank hour (note: spent hour wondering if past tense of "think tank" is "thought tank")
8) wept
9) called Daniel about possibly refocusing business from publishing to getting a million people to send us a dollar apiece, thereby making us millionaires (note: request denied)
10) early to bed

HB

2010-02-28T11:06:00.000-08:00

Today is one of the Wide Array's co-founder's birthday. Sort of. Fifty percent of Wide Array was born on Leap Year (February 29), which means that fifty percent of Wide Array is a calendric phenomenon. Now you may be thinking, "Say, I wasn't aware that Wide Array dabbled in the black arts," but apparently this has slipped under the radar.

Now that this information is public, we at Wide Array would like to take some precautions against the inevitable witchery that comes from such strange happenings. For instance, now that we know that Wide Array can only technically age every four years, we would like to announce the soon-to-be-released Upstart Crows, the first book in the Wide Array collection.

Being in this obvious time warp, we can make huge publishing mistakes, but then excise those moves due to the complications of the space-time continuum. We don't want to get all science-y on you, but just be aware that Wide Array -- with a little help from our good friends at NASA -- is capitalizing on our lucky fortune in this time flux. Every four years we will have the opportunity to grow one year as a business. This is fortunate for us, because we were doing that anyway -- we now just have an excuse for it.

Happy Birthday, Fifty Percent.

The Third Partner

2010-02-24T05:39:00.000-08:00

Occasionally, the most rabid fans of Wide Array ask about rumors of a former third partner. It’s true; we indeed once had a third partner, but, sadly, he’s no longer with us. And by “no longer with us,” I simply mean that he is no longer with the company.

And he’s dead.

Ace McGrundle was there at the beginning. He was there when we came up with the idea of Wide Array, and he was there when we opened our first business bank account. When we were poor, he was there, and when we were rich -- well, if we’d become rich, he’d have been there.

He was there, and now he’s dead.

How did he die? Well, poor Ace couldn’t take the pressure. And by “couldn’t take the pressure,” I mean the pressure of a multi-ton locomotive barreling over his face. Yes, he got stuck on the train tracks. Come to think of it, he’s still stuck on ‘em.

But his spirit is alive and well, haunting Wide Array and Friends in the most ghostly of fashions. Think about that when you’re alone in bed tonight. Think about Ace, and know that he’s thinking about you.

R.I.P. Ace

Say, pal, what's the big idea?

2010-02-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

I've been reading some crime noir novels lately, watching some of those old movies, too, and one thing that stands out is that at some point, somewhere in the stories, a woman gets punched in the face. You don't see that a whole lot anymore. It's sort of like smoking in Disney movies.

If you're not familiar with the genre, you should understand that the woman usually deserves it. She's got a smart mouth. Sticking her nose in none of her business. Saying something surely about a fellow's manhood. She had it coming. It's funny that if a fellow is punched, a fight usually follows. If a girl is punched, she usually pours herself a drink.

I really want to be a private dick. Short ties, high pants, and a condescending disposition. I want to drink bourbon and I want to call women "dames." And then, of course, if they get a smart mouth, I may have to do something drastic. Actually, I guess I don't want to be a private dick. I think I just want to be a Kennedy.

*Wide Array in no way endorses violence against woman.

WA PICNIC

2010-02-17T18:34:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all those who made Wide Array’s 1st Annual Company Picnic a rollicking success! We do apologize for the rainy weather that prevented outside dining and subsequent movement of the picnic into the lobby, where meals, snacks, and beverages are not allowed. But Wide Array doesn’t control the weather (yet!).

We also appreciate your patience with our lack of a children’s play area, though we did find that the empty broom closet had ample room for the little tykes, what with the new shelving recently added. For those of you concerned about the late discovery of the open can of paint thinner and the locked door, both were unplanned, and we are still looking into that.

Admittedly, management remains concerned that the picnic regressed fairly quickly into a slightly mobbish employee union meeting. Let us stress once again that your checks are on the way. Trust us: We’ll pay you when PayPal pays us.

Good evening, and we look forward to seeing you all tomorrow, 7 a.m. sharp.

--Mgmt.

Gather Ye Rosebuds, Ladies -- Wide Array is Turning on the Charm!

2010-02-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day, and so in the forefront of all our minds is what appropriate romantic-cum-hellcat VD behavior will score the best with our significant others. We at Wide Array have developed a short VD checklist (although Wide Array does not technically endorse the list) based on Wide Array's cumulative history in the romantic arts:

1) Brush your teeth.
2) Do not tell your spouse you went down the VD checklist before you got together. There are too many implications that would require further mood-killing exposition.
3) If you're buying flowers, ask someone for help. (Too many uninformed mistakes can come from slapdash decisions: Should flowers have roots still attached? Do adult women enjoy balloons? We don't know. Leave it to the experts.)
4) When considering chocolate, think quality over quantity. The only sweet thing a woman wants to eat a year after it was bought is a piece of the wedding cake. (Side note: Do not eat this out of turn. Even if you are hungry.)
5) Use romantic words to describe your significant other. Using fruit for scent is appropriate. Skin is always "milky." Do not use "milky" for scent. If you catch a glimpse of your lover's nipple, say that it is "a strawberry half-drown'd in cream." Do not say "Jackpot!"
6) When selecting a place for dinner, consider quality over quantity. Do not eat until you "can't move." Do not use the restroom before dessert to "make room." Do not chew gum during dinner. Do not split the bill for dinner.
7) At the end of the evening, if your significant other is still in a romantic mood, select a CD to listen to that would enhance his/her mood, not yours. Even though you think the new Metallica is actually kind of good, your significant other may not agree.
8) Do not suggest porn to set the mood.
9) Keep an open dialogue during lovemaking. Do not ask if daddy is working.
10) Have some plan for breakfast. Include your significant other.

So, please enjoy your Valentine's Day with these tips, courtesy of Wide Array.

Good luck.

Indie Pub No More?

2010-02-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

The Indie Publisher's Misleading Guide to Riches -- or IPMGR, as it's almost never known -- may soon be changing its name. There are several reasons for the brouhaha:
1) We have grown too powerful to be considered "indie."
2) Publishing is only part of what we do. We also dance.
3) We never mislead. Or do we?
4) "Guide" sort of sounds weak, like we're hinting at answers. No more hinting. We'll just tell you from now on.
5) When it comes to Wide Array, "riches" only works when "misleading" is in the vicinity. No more "misleading," no more "riches."

No new blog name has been decided on. We'll keep you posted. That being said, the top contender so far is "The Corporate Conglomerate's Straightforward Manuel to Minutia."

Seussed

2010-02-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish Dr. Seuss were still alive. Every once in a while there seems to be a good scenario, socially speaking, that sounds perfectly Seussy. Just recently, I find myself rereading "The Zaks," where the north-going Zak and south-going Zak both refuse to move out of the way of the other, so they just stand there, while a city is built up around them.

In the same Seuss book is "The Sneetches." Basically, there are star-belly and plain-belly Sneetches. The star-bellied Sneetches are assholes and think they're best. A snake-oil salesman comes in, hawking his star-bellying machine and, subsequently, his star-offing machine, as a big cycle of which is better, stars or no stars, gets rolling. Eventually no one knows who's who, and the salesman rides off with a boat-load of cash.

The point being, following politics is like reading a Dr. Seuss book. Except that at the end of a Dr. Seuss book, you feel like you've learned something. And it only cost $14.

I want to read a new Dr. Seuss book: Who's the Better American? The freakish characters would have terrible logic, and in the end, everybody would lose, because they're all idiots. It'd have to be called something stupid, like "What's the Dilla with Wasilla?"

Of course, then I read something like Seuss's "I Wish that I Had Duck Feet!" and then I'm glad he's dead.

Common Word/Phrase Origins, Probably: Tough Titties

2010-02-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, poor rural families with lots of kids didn't have the dough to spend on fancy dinners at sit-down restaurants —not like today's poor rural families with lots of kids. So they'd go to the butcher shop to find cheap cuts. They'd ask the butcher, "What can we get the most of for the littlest amount —which, in our case, is seven cents worth of dirt?" The butcher would sigh and say, "Tough titties," referring to the dehydrated pork teats butchers collected in a barrel in the back room -- the part of the sow nobody ever wants. While butchers liked to get rid of their teats, they never made any real money from them, and so they never showed any real compassion to the poor rural families who came in with only enough to afford the teats. Thus, "tough titties," much like "hard cheese" and "dem's da breaks," came to mean "That's too bad," but uttered with little to no sympathy whatsoever.

Next up: the origin of "dem's da breaks" and "hard cheese."

That's All He Wrote...

2010-01-31T07:50:00.000-08:00

Like every other person on the planet, we at Wide Array are of course big fans of JD Salinger. Reading all of the news article about his passing on Wednesday really solidified a few things for us--namely, that we need a writing fortress, walled in concrete blocks. So, in memorium, we'd like to offer a sample of the lesser-known short fiction of Salinger. Here's "The Hang of It," from Collier's, July 12, 1941:

THIS country lost one of the most promising young men ever to tilt a pinball table when my son, Harry, was conscripted into the Army. As his father, I realize Harry wasn't born yesterday, but every time I look at the boy I'd swear it all happened sometime early last week. So offhand I'd say the Army was getting another Bobby Pettit.
Back in 1917 Bobby Pettit wore the same look that Harry wears so well. Pettit was a skinny kid from Crosby, Vermont, which is in the United States too. Some of the boys in the company figured Pettit had spent his tender years letting that Vermont maple syrup drip slowly on his forehead.
Also one of the dancing girls in that 1917 company was Sergeant Grogan. The boys in camp had all kinds of ideas about the sarge's origin; good, sound, censorable ideas that I won't bother to repeat.
Well, on Pettit's first day in the ranks the sarge was drilling the platoon in the manual of arms. Pettit had a clever, original way of handling his rifle. When the sarge hollered "Right shoulder arms!" Bobby Pettit did left shoulder arms. When the sarge requested "Port arms!" Pettit complied with present arms. It was a sure way of attracting the sarge's attention, and he came over to Pettit smiling.
"Well, dumb guy," greeted the sarge, "what's the matter with you?"
Pettit laughed. "I get a little mixed up at times," he explained briefly.
"What's your name, Bud?" asked the sarge.
"Bobby. Bobby Pettit."
"Well, Bobby Pettit," said the sarge, "I'll just call ya Bobby. I always call them by their first names. And they all call me Mother. Just like they was at home."
"Oh," said Pettit.
Then it went off. Every fuse has two ends: the one that's lighted and the one that's clubby with T.N.T.
"Listen, Pettit!" boomed the sarge. "I ain't running no fifth grade. You're in the Army, dumb guy. You're supposed t'know ya ain't got two left shoulders and that port arms ain't present arms. Wutsa matter with ya? Ain'tcha got no brains?"
"I'll get the hang of it," Pettit predicted.

The next day we had practice in tent pitching and pack making. When the sarge came around to inspect, it developed that Pettit hadn't bothered to hammer the tent pegs slightly below the surface of the ground. Observing the subtle flaw, the sarge, with one yank of his hand, collapsed entirely Bobby Pettit's little canvas home.
"Pettit," cooed the sarge. "You are…without a doubt…the dumbest…the stoopidest…the clumsiest gink I ever seen. Are ya nuts, Pettit? Wutsa matter with ya? Ain'tcha got no brains?"
Pettit predicted, "I'll get the hang of it."
Then everybody made up full packs. Pettit made up his like a veteran - just like one of the Boys in the Blue. Then the sarge came around to inspect. It was his cheery custom to pass in the rear of the men, and with a short, blugeon-like stroke or his forearm slam down on the regulation burden on the back of every mother's son.
He came to Pettit's pack. I'll spare the details. I'll just say that everything came apart save the last five segments in Bobby Pettit's vertebrae. It was a sickening sound. The sarge came around to face Pettit, what was left of him.
"Pettit. I met lotsa dumb guys in my time," related the sarge. "Lots of 'em. But you, Pettit, you're in a class by yourself. Because you're the dumbest!"
Pettit stood there on his three feet.
"I'll get the hang of it," he manage to predict.

First day of target practice, six men at a time fired at six targets, prone position exclusively. The sarge passed up and down, examining firing positions.
"Hey, Pettit. Which eye are you lookin' through?"
"I don't know," said Pettit. "The left, I guess."
"Look through the right!" bellowed the sarge. "Pettit, you're takin' twenty years offa my life. Wutsa matter with ya? Ain'tcha got no brains?"
That was nothing. When, after the men had fired, the targets were rolled in, there was a gay surprise for all. Pettit had fired all his shots at the target of the man on his right.
The sarge almost had an attack of apoplexy. "Pettit," he said, "you got no place in this man's army. You got six feet. You got six hands. Everybody else only got two!"
"I'll get the hang of it," said Pettit.
"Don't say that to me again. Or I'll kill ya. I'll akchally kill ya, Pettit. Because I hatecha, Pettit. You hear me? I hatecha!"
"Gee," said Pettit. "No kidding?"
"No kidding, brother," said the sarge.
"Wait'll I get the hang of it," said Pettit. "You'll see. No kidding. Boy, I like the Army. Someday I'll be a colonel or something. No kidding."

Naturally I didn't tell my wife that our son, Harry, reminds me of Bob Pettit back in '17. But he does nevertheless. In fact, the boy is even having sergeant trouble at Fort Iroquois. It seems, according to my wife, that Fort Iroquois nurses to its bosom one of the toughest, meanest first sergeants in the country. There is no necessity, declares my wife, in being mean to the boys. Not that Harry's complained. He likes the Army, only he just can't seem to please this terrible first sergeant. Just because he hasn't got the hang of it yet.
And the colonel of this regiment. He's no help at all, my wife feels. All he does is walk around and look important. A colonel should help the boys, see to it that mean first sergeants don't take advantage of the boys, destroy their spirit. A colonel, my wife feels, should do more than just walk around the place.
Well, a few Sundays ago the boys at Fort Iroquois put on their first spring parade. My wife and I were there in the reviewing stand, and with a yelp that nearly took my hat off she picked out our Harry as he marched along.
"He's out of step," I told my wife.
"Oh, don't be that way," said she.
"But he is out of step," I said.
"I suppose that's a crime. I suppose he'll be shot for that. See! He's in step again. He was only out for a minute."
Then, when the parade was over and the men had been dismissed, First Sergeant Grogan came over to say hello. "How do, Mrs. Pettit."
"How do you do," said my wife, very chilly.
"Think there's hope for our boy, sergeant?" I asked.
"Not a chance," he said. "Not a chance, colonel."

A Publisher's Limerick 2

2010-01-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

There once be Wide Array --
A corp with books to splay.
It pray'd do well to fend off gaol --
Till Debt did find its prey.

Swallowed the Fly

2010-01-24T11:59:00.000-08:00

According to a recent New York Times article, one out of every seventeen novels bought in the U.S. for the last three years was a James Patterson novel. For the average reader, that means that for every seventeen novels you buy this year, one of them is definitely going to suck.

After reading about Patterson's business of noveling (?), Wide Array is now reformatting our publishing model. To better associate the readers with the product, all Wide Array projects will be somehow related to "crows," "crowing," "upstarting," etc. We will start with the obvious: "Eatin' Crow" and "Crow's Feet" and "Scarecrow." I don't know what these'll be about, but that doesn't matter -- we won't use any big words.

Secondly, all novels will not be written by the authors. We will come up with a pseudonym, such as "James Patterson," under which all our authors (temps) will compose. We will line them up -- write a chapter, pass it on down. This assembly line will start at Wide Array headquarters, and end at Bank of America, where Harelik & Reid will patiently fill out deposit slips.

I think this scenario is probably best for everybody. Who wants to write a book, when someone else'll do it for you?

Sincerely,

James Patterson

Wide Array is Celebrating...

2010-01-21T14:25:00.000-08:00

...because we've recently reached one hundred fans on our Facebook Fan Page. Okay, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking something like, "Big deal, one hundred fans. I've got five hundred friends on my personal page." Well, fine, but we've got one hundred fans, and we couldn't be happier, so there.

That being said, we're still thinking big. Our goal is one million fans. That's right. No joke. We are striving to reach one million fans, however long it takes. Needless to say, we'll need your help to do it.

Here's how. If you're not yet a fan, please become one. It's worth it, and doesn't cost a cent. Then suggest our page to your friends. Again, doesn't cost a cent, and your friends might actually be into what we're doing, which is putting together some awesome books.

A million fans. It can be done. One fan at a time.

Why You Should Buy Something

2010-01-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I saw Sherman Alexie on The Colbert Report. He was explaining why he wasn't allowing his books to be sold digitally. His thought was that, since something like 80% of digital files are being stolen, then more or less, artists were not getting any money to support themselves.

So, I guess a good rule of thumb should be, if you like something, don't loot it. Which is why we at Wide Array are now offering the brand-spanking new Upstart Crows II: True Stories for the new, low price of $14. You may be saying, "But wait – isn't the brand-spanking new Upstart Crows II: True Stories listed at $14?" Yes. Yes, it is. We can't just give them away. I mean, we somehow have to pay for the copies that I used for bartering on the black market.

Just think about big publishing companies and how they take the money you give them to produce things like the new Susan Grafton, or Sizzle, by Julie Garwood, which is described thusly by the New York Times: "A film student who witnessed a crime is aided by a handsome F.B.I. agent."

Support the mom and pop operations (I'll take the "pop" role – sorry, Jarrod). Get yourself a copy of Upstart Crows II: True Stories here.

Wide Array Enters the World of Video

2010-01-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

Have you heard? Probably not.

Wide Array is taking the Indie Publisher's Misleading Guide to Riches into the world of the vlog. We're dipping our toes in gingerly, just to see if the water is warm. Will it last? Only our time and patience will determine. But don't worry -- the blog you're reading now will remain either way. We are writers, after all.

Click here to find our YouTube channel, then sit back and enjoy the show(s).

Books v. Movies

2010-01-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

Ah, the ongoing debate. Have you ever found yourself saying, "Oh, the book is soooo much better than the movie!"? Or, at least, bragging about having read the book years before it became a movie? I do this all the time. In fact, I usually say this whether or not I even read the book. Or saw the movie. I like to feel that I can have an opinion on something without any information. This is when you have truly reached personal contentment.

Someone I know read The Lovely Bones, that book about a dead girl who does something. Since the movie is about to come out (or is out, I'm not sure) I plan on reinterpreting the review that I got, saying something like, "Borrrinnng." Which would imply that I did some sort of work in reading it. But I didn't. I probably won't see the movie either. But I'll pretend like I did.

Point being, I want us all to have a new goal. I'm calling this the "Lying in 2010 Initiative." Anytime someone mentions a movie, say, "That book sucked." If it wasn't a book, but your friend or whoever thinks it was, all the better. Then you've given them some information that they didn't previously had. You feel better for giving information, and they feel better because they have information. Everybody wins.

Have you noticed that not too many people say, "The movie was awesome, but the book sucked"? I've said this often, but then again, I also went through a phase where I read only novelizations. I'll tell you right now: it's hard to capture Van Damme doing the splits on the written page.

Side note: I'm currently working on adapting my first, unpublished novel to the big screen. I can tell you right now, though, with a fair amount of accuracy, both it and forthcoming movie suck.

It's 2010, And, As You Know...

2010-01-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

...this is the year we'll make contact with alien beings. You might be a believer and you might not, but either way, let me be clear: Believe it. Believe because it's true.

But you also know there are kinds of encounters with alien beings. It's vital to be familiar with these categories, at least up to ten, because preparation is the key to a successful encounter. So, for your edification, Wide Array offers you a full list up to the tenth kind. For your safety, please print out the list and keep it in your wallet, or, if you don’t have a wallet, maybe keep it under a bar of gold you’ve been using as a paper weight in your home office—not your regular home office, but your office in the home where you winter. That’s a good place to keep it.

Close Encounters of the:

First Kind: Sighting a UFO
Second Kind: Physical effects from a sighting, like nausea
Third Kind: Actually seeing an alien, like ET
Fourth Kind: Abduction!
Fifth Kind: Having strong words with an alien
Sixth Kind: Counseling with an alien
Seventh Kind: Counseling with an alien, using an alien therapist
Eighth Kind: Marrying an alien
Ninth Kind: Buying a winter home with an alien
Tenth Kind: Starting an indie publishing company with an alien

Hardy, Har, Har

2010-01-04T16:16:00.000-08:00

So, it turns out that there's a Hardy Boys movie coming out. I guess it was just a matter of time. I, like I'm sure a billion other boys, cut my reading teeth on Hardy Boy books. Sure, I had read some stuff before, but HBs were really the springboard.

Here's a funny story. I used to check out Hardy Boys books from my fourth-grade library. I guess about four or five books into the series, the librarian noticed that I was going through the series in order. To her, a kid interested in reading could only be looking for trouble, so she took it upon herself to race me to the finish. What she would do is to take a book or two ahead of me, read them, and edit them with a big, black marker. Then, reshelve them for my now G-rated brain to continue on its redacted journey through Franklin W. Dixon's hedonistic jaunt across the underbelly of crime fiction. Because if the Hardy Boys series is known for anything, it is known for being wholly inappropriate for younger audiences. I mean, Dixon was like the Marquis de Sade of sweater-vested juvenile crimefighters. How could a fourth-grader wrap his head around such improper comments as, "Gosh, Frank," and "'Hardy summer home,' Joe spoke into the receiver. 'Some are home and some aren't.'"

This old broad would mark out things she felt I didn't need to read. The funny thing, though, is that if you held the page up to the light, you could see what the word was. One of my favorites was--and I'm not sure if it's even appropriate to say here--was "kiss." Frank, I believe, kissed his girlfriend at some point; but, thanks to the librarian, Frank ----ed his girlfriend. Now, if you're like me, this edited version is almost better.

I think this was the first time that I realized that sometimes leaving things to the imagination produces a much more fruitful experience. Thanks, Censorship!

Holiday Cheer, Too: The Pics

2009-12-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

Pic #1: JD Reid and Jarrod Harelik discuss how printing costs can translate into debtor's prison.

Pic #2: Cindy St. John makes poetry happen.

Pic #3: Matt Riggle of 41 Gorgeous Blocks goes one block further to Wide Array Avenue, where he then travels up several true stories to Upstart -- okay, I'll stop now.

Check out our Wide Array Facebook fan page for more pics of our night in Denton. Don't forget to become a fan!

Holiday Cheer

2009-12-27T17:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, so "Wide Array Presents: Literature, Evening Of" went off pretty well. We had some readings by Matt Riggle, Cindy St. John, and JD Reid (me). Also, we had some fantastic musical stylings from an eclectic group of pirates, known collectively as The Jakeys. If you're in the DFW area and you're looking for a ragtag group of Scotts- and Irishmen to balladeer you to some sort of drunken nirvana, you could do a hell of a lot worse.

That being said, our old friend and Upstart alumna Cindy St. John, our go-to poetry star(wo)man who will rhyme your ass to death, showed up. (Her poetry doesn't rhyme--I'm not sure why I said that.) Anyway, if you're into poetry that'll curl the hair on your head and straighten it everywhere else, pick up a copy of City Poems. This is Cindy's brand-spanking new chapbook. I would give you her cell phone so that you can call and tell her to send you an autographed copy, but I don't think she'd like that too much. But, definitely look her up here. I finished reading my copy last week, and besides being fantastically handbound, the book is also what poetry should be. This isn't the big wank-fest, feather-written poetry which undoubtedly will adorn Harold Bloom's impending eleven-foot-tall tombstone; this is for real people. Call me and I'll read some of it over the phone to you.

Point being: If you came to the event, thanks. If you didn't, you can certainly catch up by reading Upstart Crows II or City Poems.

Forget the Alamo...

2009-12-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

...but remember Wide Array Presents: Literature, An Evening Of!

Featuring an eclectic collection of readings, musical stylings, and other bits of etceterata.

Readings by authors from the new Upstart Crows II: True Stories and City Poems. Both books will be available for purchase.

Details are on the link above. Note that all attendees are guaranteed a spot on Santa's "nice" list, no matter how creepy you've been this year. See you there!

The First Christmas

2009-12-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

My big idea, of late, sort of functions on the fact that my brain don’t work right. I can do simple things, such as shopping, balancing my checkbook, maintain normal friendships (not those specifically, but you get the idea); however, I do live in my own universe, where things happen that don’t happen in reality, and I’m not sure what this says about me.

Let’s take NASA, for instance. When I was a kid, I went down to Florida to watch the Challenger go into orbit. I remember that it was just about the loudest sound I’ve ever heard, and when it blew up, I remember a horrible fear running through my body. All of a sudden, I knew that one day I would die, and that it would probably hurt. The problem is: that never happened. I never saw a space ship take off. I may’ve seen it on TV, but I don’t know if it happened in Florida or wherever. Weird, huh?

Anyway, I wanted to start a From Memory … series, that would be my retelling of society's magic moments, and I’ve started with Christmas, what with us being close as hell to that holiday. It isn’t so much that I don’t remember the overarching theme of Christmas; I just get lost in the details. So, posted on our site is the first installment of this series, called "The First Christmas." I hope you enjoy it.

Wide Array Shuns Accolades

2009-12-16T06:00:00.000-08:00

From the Dallas Afternoon Reportage:

Wide Array, the Waco/Dallas indie publishing company, turned down an award for “greatness” earlier this week, due to what some in the industry are calling the company’s “humble strength.”

The co-owners of the company, Jarrod Harelik and JD Reid, could not be reached for comment, but Gandhi and Mother Teresa did return from heaven briefly to offer a joint statement about the company:

“Wide Array showed its greatness by not accepting the 'greatness' award. They do what they do not for applause, but to celebrate truth and beauty. Somebody should give them a whole lot of money. Not that they are looking for money, but you know. It could really help.”

An anonymous source has stated that the “greatness” award, which is fashioned out of pure silver, would be melted down and turned into bullets, which will be used to battle a slew of werewolves that have been plaguing the north Texas area for some time.

Reflecting

2009-12-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

Lesson 2: Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)

If you're like me (and that's debatable) then you spend many nights wondering where all of your great ideas went. I have to admit that I have terrible handwriting. It’s true. This legible stuff you’re reading is not, in fact, my handwriting; it’s what’s call a font, which stands in place of my handwriting, so you don’t have to decipher the cuneiform nature of my script. My point is that, because I have a difficult time reading even my own writing, somewhere along the line, I quit taking notes.

The result of this action was that all of the ideas that I can’t remember suddenly got better. This may have some unforeseen positive consequences, aside the obvious negative. One, my bloated sense of self-importance became, well, bloated, telling me that I came up with enough ideas to nab me one of those Nobel Prizes . And getting the Nobel in your imagination is almost as good as getting it in reality, right? And two, well, I guess there’s only one positive consequence.

A couple-three years into my no-note, unwritten oeuvre, I thought, “Say, I should be writing this awesome shit down.” So, I’ve started taking notes on projects, scribbling on notepads. But guess what? I can’t read my handwriting. I am held under the tyranny of horrific calligraphy.

So, what do I do? Learn how to write like anyone who went beyond third grade, or let what appears to be a Faulknerian catalog of epics sift through my fingers, along with my grandmother’s birthday, my zip code, taking my Omega-3 pills, and every other thing that I’ll never remember? Can I just assume that if the idea was good enough, it’ll pop up again?

What’s the lesson here? Organization. It may be a moot point for some of you over-organized spreadsheet-jockeys, but for those of us whose ideas never go beyond ghostly, we should probably get them on paper. If we could just find some.

Literature, An Evening Of

2009-12-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

If you're in the area, check it out!

Dibs

2009-12-06T09:21:00.000-08:00

If you’ve ever read a Cormac McCarthy book, upon hearing that he is auctioning off his old, broken typewriter, you might be thinking, “Of course, he writes on an old-ass typewriter.” If you’ve read Blood Meridian, you might be thinking, “He used paper? I would’ve thought he’d have written that on human skin …” The estimates are that this broken piece of crap will fetch up to $20K. That being said, Wide Array would now like to offer some of its historic tools of the trade to the highest bidder:

Tandy 1000
This fine piece of machinery was used as the tool on which JD Reid composed upwards of two eighth-grade-era short stories (neither published nor completed). Oregon Trail still loaded. Floppy disks not included.

Jarrod’s No. 2s
It’s not what you think—these are pencils! Jarrod’s first drafts of early screenplays were written with these historic pencils. Erasers are heavily worn (if you read the drafts, you’d see why).

Shred-Mate
Crosscut many short stories, essays and novels of the Wide Array crew. Some remnants of this discarded literature may still exist. Disregard evidence of bills and old credit cards. Item is non-working due to frequent paperclip extraction.

The Crow Trading Cards
These don’t necessarily have to do with writing, but I have them if anybody wants them. They are at my mom’s house.

All items, by the way, come with a letter of authentication. Not necessarily directly related to the item in question, but a letter nonetheless.

We're Looking For a Few Good Fans....

2009-12-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

You might have stumbled across Wide Array's new Facebook fanpage. If not, check it out here:

Yes, we've jumped onto the fanwagon, but sometimes you just gotta. Actually, we kind of like this particular wagon. Everybody is so nice and supportive. You can't ask for much more than that.

So, if you get the time, find our page and join our group. We're small now, but with a little sun and water and love, we will grow.

My Unfinished Works

2009-11-29T10:54:00.000-08:00

Recently, Knopf released Vladimir Nabokov's unfinished novel, called The Original of Laura. (You can take a look at it here.) Vlad was a big fan of note cards--you know, the old kind that you had to take to junior high and never used. So, he whips up this very basic first draft, which was handwritten on these note, and then, right as he's about to die, he tells his family to burn this stack of cards. Of course, they don't; they just hang on to them for thirty years, and then sell them for a billion dollars. The book, now, is this slew of note cards for your reading pleasure. I think you can even pop them out of their perforated spots and reuse them.

While this is all very interesting (I certainly would love to read his note cards) I started wondering if my family would gather all my ideas that I've scribbled on their respective formats. I haven't been nearly as medium-specific as Nabokov. Let's just take a ganders at the work that my family would be responsible for:

1) I have a receipt from Target, upon which I wrote, "Guy tries to return a gift intended for an ex-girlfriend; he is denied; commits suicide."

2) A Starbucks cup had this written on it: "I wish grown ups could remember being kids." I wrote underneath it, "Or vice versa? Kid sees himself as adult; commits suicide."

3) I was taking a subway, but the train never came. I couldn't figure out what was happing, and there were no people around to ask. I must've stayed there for an hour. I wrote on the stall of the bathroom, "Guy waits for a train that never comes. No people around. Writes on walls. Commits suicide."

Over the years, think of all the ideas I've written down, which I lost. I wonder if there were any good ones ... I doubt it. I should gather them up myself, maybe burn them.

What level of success do you have to reach where people ignore your request to take out your trash? I need to get there. Then commit suicide.

The Art of Growing Your Business

2009-11-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

Now and again, I fantasize about expanding the company. Whenever I bring it up to Daniel, he pats his gut and says, “Oh, I’m expanding.”

Really, though, expanding a publishing company is about more than simply publishing more books, hiring more people, or starting to wear pants when you’re sitting at your home computer. Because you’re not just taking your business to the next level; you’re taking yourself to the next level. And that’s a scary thought.

You see, how you run a business says a lot about you as an individual. Ask Bernie Madoff. You know what’s a funny word? Ponzi. It sounds like what you’d call Potsie and Fonzi if they were dating.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, expanding. You’d better know what you’re doing.

Expanding requires confidence, research know-how, and business acumen, qualities the co-founders of Wide Array have considered negligible in past years, mostly because of sour grapes. Even still, you gotta grow up sometime, as countless protagonists have learned in countless bad movies over the years.

Will Wide Array expand? Almost certainly. Will Wide Array collapse upon itself? Almost certainly. But that's okay. The important thing is to enjoy the process, even if it ends in utter despair.

One more thing: Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. And don't forget to show all your relatives your brand new copy of Upstart Crows II: True Stories. They'll be truly thankful you did.

Reflecting

2009-11-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

Now that Upstart Crows II: True Stories is here, I've had a few days to reflect on the process. "What things have you learned?" you ask ... well, I'll tell you, in part one of my new sixty-nine-part series, "Reflections: JD Reid's Hitchhike Down Memory Lane."

Lesson 1: Always Bet on Black

You may already know this lesson, especially if you've ever seen a Samuel L. Jackson picture. But in our attempt to develop this sophomore effort, we felt the crow calling. And someone had to answer it. You may not know this, but Upstart Crows is based on a real crow. One night, a few years back, I was doing my usual midnight routine of finding unoccupied trampolines in the neighborhood and taking out a few of the springs, when a crow landed on my shoulder. Thinking it was a bat, I immediately killed it. I was ashamed of the mistaken identity, so after I buried him, I said a little vigil over his grave, which was a shoebox. I said, "Dear bird, sorry about that whole thing. From henceforth, I'll mention you in some aspect or other in the near future, if I don't forget. Goodbye." Later that year, I got the bird flu. I guess he was haunting me.

I'm not sure what that has to do with betting on black. I guess crows are black.

To be continued ...

Upstart Crows II: True Stories Is Here!

2009-11-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

You’ve heard the rumors, and the rumors are true! Here’s our official plug:

Upstart Crows II: True Stories is a new collection of writings that delves into the hearts and minds of the men and women inside. We asked nineteen authors to tell us something true, and Upstart Crows II is the answer. Featuring stories of the happy, the sad, the embarrassing, and the whimsical, Upstart Crows II serves every reader. Included inside: Michael McConnell recruits us as roadies for his rock band; Courtney Smith reveals why The Rolling Stones make us lustful; Maria Chaudhuri gives her mother a chance to sing; and Dr. Barry Phillips plays God. These and many other gripping stories make Upstart Crows II: True Stories a must-have for truth-seekers everywhere.

Ordering info available here.

DH

2009-11-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

Lately, a lot of people have been asking me how my comic book is going. It is fine; thank you for asking.

If you are unaware, I'm working on a graphic novel with another fellow. I do the writing; he do the drawing. His name is Jonathan. Together we've come up with a pretty good story that satisfies both of our needs: for me, that it be literary and borderline inappropriate; for him, that it be artistically compelling and borderline inappropriate. You can see a sample cover on the Dolphin Hunter section of our website. The theme? That's me playing. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, but it's good work.

It's a funny situation, this teaming up business. I have typically written prose, but this requires a lot of chit-chat before anything goes to paper. Then we workshop, then rewrite, workshop, rewrite, ad infinitum. This is an exciting situation for me, because, for me, it's art through atypical means. It's like when Daniel Day Lewis became a cobbler for a year, or when Troy Aikman does those Wing Stop commercials. The true Renaissance man paints with broad strokes.

On the Dangers of Free Publicity

2009-11-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

I’m writing this in a homemade hot air balloon that’s drifting over what looks to be Evant, Texas. I’m cold. I’m scared. I don’t know how to work this thing.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It started as a publicity stunt, but went horribly awry. You see, Daniel and I decided to build a hot air balloon out of unsold copies of Upstart Crows I, and the plan was to set the balloon loose unmanned, and then I was going to hide in my basement, and Daniel was going to make a frantic call to 9-1-1, telling them the balloon was accidentally let loose with me in it. The plan was top-notch. A brilliant ploy.

Well, I must have gotten a tad gaga on helium, because when the time came for me to hide, I hid in the balloon. Whoops. Now I’m thousands of feet up. Did I mention it’s cold up here?

I’m also down to my last apple. I’m tired. I’m cold. I’m hungry. And apparently nobody is going to rescue me. Did I mention I’ve been up here for weeks? It’s clear Daniel and I are better hot-air balloon builders than publicizers. Because the balloon works great. But based on my last Google search, no one cares that I’m up here. Evidently, there was a similar balloon hoax recently that has soured the public to hot-aired schemes like this.

Daniel won’t even respond to my emails.

Sure is cold up here. And so lonely.

My Writing Routine

2009-11-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

I once heard an interview with the late Norman Mailer, where he said that it takes him eight hours to get two hours of writing. So, I thought I'd run through a short synopsis of my writing schedule, thereby illustrating how the rest of us possibly write, because you are probably closer to me and my schedule than Norman Mailer and his, mostly because he's dead.

By 9:00 p.m., I'm ready to start my writing day. I maybe pour myself a glass of wine—one of the critter sort (Flying Penguin, Randy Rodent, Liquid Mole)—which is a pretty good way to get the juices flowing, wink-wink. Once I'm settled in, I open up my Word document and skim over what I wrote most recently. I'll fix some typos, reword a few lines, and then stare at the page and wonder what world of wonders will my compelling characters be pulled through. After playing with different fonts, I usually write another couple sentences. By this point, it's 10:00 p.m. and The Daily Show is coming on.

But speaking of Norman Mailer, on this same interview a funny incident occurred. This was an unedited interview, which I guess was broadcasted later, but it had all the chitchat and pre-interview red tape. Mailer comes in and asks this guy (I think it was Don Swaim), but asks him for a cup of coffee. They don't have any coffee in the building, so the assistant offers to run across the street. The assistant is broke, I guess, and Don (or whoever) was out of cash. Mailer's got a twenty. He wants it black. When the coffee comes back, Mailer sips it, and goes into this disgusting coughing fit. Then they go on and talk about one of his epic novels. Point being, I love coffee, too. Just like Norman Mailer.

Getting It Done

2009-11-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

In this flipped-out, topsy-turvy world, it's amazing that good folk like you and I get anything worthwhile done at all. Often we're so busy doing things we don't want to do, that we never find time for the good stuff, like watching the sun gradually drift closer to the earth, or going on a date with our baby mamas. Chances are, when we do get a few moments of peace, those moments are not so peaceful, because we’re so worried there’s some urgent business we’re forgetting. What to do?

This is where good time management techniques come into play. Many people don't know this, but Daniel and I created Upstart Crows II: True Stories in three-minute daily increments over the course of seventeen years. It sounds amazing, but it's almost true. Don't worry, you don't have to be a fancy publisher to take advantage of this technique, which I call the "time-pocket" technique; it can be used by almost anybody in almost any situation.

Let's say, for instance, that your typical sit-down bathroom break is approximately three minutes long. While some might simply focus on the task at hand, and others might enjoy reading the tabloids, you could be writing the next Great American Novel, or, at the very least, knitting your grandkids some booties. Don't have grandkids? Who says you won't by the time the booties are finished?

If you don't use the bathroom, you can also utilize this technique in the elevator, the taxicab, or even in the "bored" room! (Yes, as you might guess, I'm referring to a married couple's bedroom.) After a few months of practice, you’ll find that filling up these small pockets of free time will leave you with perhaps years of nothing to do tacked on to the end of your life. The technique is that powerful!

There are many more time management gems I'll occasionally post on this blog, so continue to stay tuned. And if you have some of your own ideas, pass them along! If they're any good, we'd love to claim them as our own.

A Sucker for Good Packaging

2009-11-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

There's was article this week in the New York Times that announced a movie deal with Dave Egger's latest book Zeitoun. Apparently, Jonathan Demme is going to make the book into a cartoon. In the article, Demme says that he was staring at the book's cover, which is a cartoon image of the book's main character, and decided that it would pretty a cool project. I started thinking then—a thought I've often had—that maybe we should judge books by their covers.

So, here are some books I don't want to see based on their respective covers:

I'm certain there are plenty more where that came from. But the point, I suppose, is that the more thought put into a cover, the further the book seems to go. It also helps if the text is pretty good.

A Halloween Post

2009-10-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

Halloween is Saturday. It behooves me to evoke the holiday, since publishing was invented on Halloween. (Well, I'm not sure about that, but it might have been.) You know, Ben Franklin often wore his customary wardrobe even while printing his almanac. Thus, if you dress up like Franklin this Halloween, you will indirectly be promoting his almanac.

But Halloween is more than just about Ben Franklin, contrary to popular belief. Some people think of spooky things on Halloween, like ghosts or goblins, or Charles Manson. This year, many people, already in a state of dread and high on sugar, are dressing up as 2012, the year the world is supposed to end. The costumes are fancy, but is the prediction accurate? Neil DeGrasse Tyson, famous and attractive astrophysicist, said recently (in a dream I had the other day), "I was dead-set against this 2012 thing happening, but then I saw a sneak peak of the new film 2012, and now I'm sorta thinking it might happen."

So now you're probably wondering, if 2012 does happen, what will become of this blog, and Wide Array? Do not fear. Wide Array will long be out of business by that point, what with Daniel's penchant for casino gambling and flying kites with hundred-dollar bills loosely scotch-taped to them. ("It makes it more exciting," he often tells me.) At the very least, he's not taping keys to the kites and flying them in a storm, à la Ben Franklin. See how everything always returns to Franklin?

And so that brings us back to the main point, which is that Halloween is a time to celebrate both the printing press and our love of horror. If you go trick-or-treating this Saturday, keep both in mind. And never forget: one bite of candy, then one bite of broccoli. Balance is the key to (and curse of) life.

Is This What Writing Does to You?

2009-10-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

So, I'm working on a new novel right now. It's basically about me trying to become a hero. I'm attempting to stick pretty close to real life, and in doing so I've realize that I have very few heroic qualities. Very quickly I knew I wanted to be funny—that's always amusing to me. But in doing so—both trying to be funny and trying to be realistic—I come off as a complete idiot.

Is this what writing does to you? You try to put a little of yourself down on the page, once you've gotten those years of utter pretension out of the way, and all of a sudden the little guy inside of you—the soul—comes out, propeller cap and all. Philip Roth once said that your writing should always embarrass at least one person; I just didn't think it'd be me. I wonder if there are truly parts of me that shouldn't rise to the surface; not because they are private, but because they are embarrassing.

Luckily, I'm not so embarrassed as to stop the book. It's actually kind of fun. Usually I've written things that are scattered in worlds in which I don't live. Here, with this book, I feel much more in tune with my inner soul. And now that I'm starting becoming acquainted with the new me, I feel that it may be time for me and myself to start seeing other people.

The Hard Part About Good Ideas? Remembering Them

2009-10-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

No matter what business you're in, success is determined, in part, by whether you've got a constant stream of good ideas. Granted, what's considered a good idea is debatable, but you must admit that if you can't remember your ideas, you can’t know if they’re any good.

I always get ideas, some good, some bad. But I didn't realize how many ideas I got until I started using the voice-recording app on my cell phone. Now when I get an idea, I record it immediately; each track is usually between three seconds to a minute or two long.

Let me stress again that most of these ideas will never go anywhere. Some I record in the middle of the night, waking up only long enough to press record and say, "A cat that can fly, and the metaphor this represents to the modern world." Hm. Actually, that’s not bad. 'Scuse me while I re-record that one.

Sometimes I'll forget having recorded a track, and when I listen to it, it's like some other me snuck into this reality and recorded it: an idea for a short story, a novel, a movie, even a song idea I've hummed into the phone when no one’s around. The best thing is that holding on to these ideas, ideas that would have fallen prey to a short-term-memory-challenged mind, ideas either good or bad, makes me feel like a more creative, productive person.

The lesson? Record, or at least write down, your ideas when they come: to-do items, philosophical musings, lyrics, stories, hopes and dreams, whatever. Record them, and return to them when you can. You’ll thank yourself for it.

Where IS Your Emphasis?

2009-10-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

I picked up the new fiftieth anniversary edition of The Elements of Style recently, and there’s a quote in there from Jonathan Lethem: “Eschew surplusage!” I think that’s my new favorite line.

I want to talk about bells and whistles, for a moment. First, I’d like to say that I like both bells and whistles. I am neither a Christmas caroler nor a British constable from the ‘30s, but bells and whistles both have their places. What I find less than interesting is the editorial sort of bells and whistles—namely, bold, italics, all caps, all small caps, underline, &c. As emphasizers, they’re just no good. Take the following sentence: “How do you do?” I realize that some people like distinction there, but, personally, when words are emphasized like that, I imagine a bad William Shatner impersonator reading it to me. What about this headline for a holiday/Trek poster: “To BOLDLY Go … to our Xmas Party!!!” I know you’re probably thinking, “Who would write like that!?!” But believe me, people do. I am a paid copywriter—and this is not uncommon.

It’s almost as if to emphasize is to over-emphasize. The emphasis seems good, seems comfortable in the text, not in the visuals. If your words suck, then emphasizing them is like putting Christmas lights on a telephone pole. That’s just bad for business.

(I realize that I said "first" earlier, and never got around to a second. However, I’m eschewing a second because it would’ve just been surplus.)

Indie Pubber's Misleading Guide to Jury Duty

2009-10-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

Jury duty has nothing to do with publishing, unless, I guess, you're John Grisham. Even still, I was summoned this week, and so I went. While jury duty is a good reminder that everyone has a right to a fair trial, it's also a reminder that, no matter who you are, you can’t always do what you want to be doing. Because when you're summoned, you have to go. Kind of an ultra-tiny taste of what the draft was like, I suppose. (I'm not complaining, by any means—between a draft notice and a jury summons, I'll take a few hundred jury summonses, please.)

So, yes, there’s good need for a constant fresh supply of jury-goers. But my point is, we don't always get a choice as to what we get to do in life. Sometimes we’ve got to sit in the jury box.

But this proves my other point, that often we do have choices. Those times when we're not in control remind us of those times when we are, and remind us that we should take the bull by the horns when we can and ride him for eight seconds. Now, I don't condone bull riding—let's face it, it irks the bull. I’m just saying that we must embrace our freedoms and fly. Okay, I'm starting to mix metaphors, but that's my prerogative, so I might as well skate that wave.

The defense rests.

Long Drive

2009-10-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago I was telling someone that I was listening to a book on audio CD. This information was met with much disapproval. “That’s not reading,” this person said, scoffing at the thought of someone telling me a story. They went on to tell me how good the new Transformers movie is, but that’s beside the point. Is it that bad to listen to a CD that’s not music?

Frankly, here’s my situation: I’m in the car for about an hour a day. I could listen to music the whole sixty minutes, but there are only so many times that one fellow can sing the new Lily Allen single out loud to himself before he thinks, Would I be better served learning something? So, why the hell not?

Sure, you don’t have a chance to pour over the subtle placement of words, or to reread particularly difficult passages (unless you rewind), but listening to a book, I believe, offers an entirely different experience, and one that is the original intent behind storytelling. People were actually narrating stories to each other billions of years before Gutenberg got his fat ass in the picture. Listening to a story offers me the same satisfaction as watching a movie. It’s entertainment. Just like music. Just like reading.

In the audible world, though, the narrator’s role is critical. I listened to The Odyssey read by Ian McKellen. That felt right. That felt closer to the original intent than when I read the book because, when I read, my personal narrative voice is that of Eddie Murphy. I also listened to Lolita, and nothing makes you feel more inappropriate than Jeremy Irons. Right now, I’m listening to Richard Price’s Lush Life, and Bobby Cannavale’s rough Jersey accent ties that story together like a nice pair of handcuffs.

Point being, my drive to and from work is long, and I don’t want to listen to anymore pledge drives on NPR. I still read every day; but I feel more productive in traffic with a good book.

A Publisher's Limerick

2009-10-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

There once was an upstanding fool
With a manuscript written in drool.
Though his words were in spit, they said quite a bit,
So imagine what he’d do with a stool!

Okay, I know you can do better. I love the limerick, the highest form of communication, so feel free to comment with your own -- preferably one dealing with publishing, writing, or literature. The cleverer the betterer.

Hey, Bert

2009-10-04T15:50:00.001-07:00

So, Jarrod and I are putting together Upstart Crows II. If you don’t know, it’s a collection of short tales of truth—or, at least, they’re supposed to be true (we fired our fact checker). The book’s all designed, edited, ready to go, so I was waiting on paper samples. I don’t know a whole lot about paper, other than that it grows on trees. I get the sample pages in, picked by me from a bag of samples (heavy). The interior pages look awesome. However, the cover looked kind of cheap. I started thinking, this is kind of cheap looking. I don’t want cheap looking. I sent it back, to see what else I can come up with.

The point, I guess, is this: publishing requires a lot of info about a lot of things that you (read: I) don’t (didn’t) know. This shit never ends … I just keep getting questions that I have to answer, based on nothing but an educated guess. This may sound amateurish, and you’d be right. I never claimed to be a wizard publisher—I claimed to be an indie publisher. And I guess that may define indie publishing. I don’t know what I’m doing—I have nothing by a strong desire and an empty wallet. The good thing is I have Jarrod, off of whom I can bounce ideas aplenty. We are the Bert and Ernie of publishing. We realized early on that if we weren’t 100% on anything, we wouldn’t proceed. That means that my lack of professionalism never has to exceed 50% on any project. That I can live with. Yay, partnership!

That being said, I’m a sucker for a good package. So, I want Upstart Crows to be the best that I can do. Each story inside is great in its own way, and that’s what makes a good collection. Beyond that, it is my job to make all of these people who contributed happy to have given me their stories, because without them, Upstart Crows II: True Stories would’ve been Upstart Crows II: The Pamphlet. And who would want that, besides my mom.

And then there’s the other point I was thinking when I sent back that cheapo cover: I like cheap-looking stuff. I own almost nothing new. My closet is filled with over- or undersized clothing from thrift stores and my dad’s closet; I strum a used guitar, read used books, sit on my sister’s furniture, and get all movies and music from the library. Someone recently described my personal style as shabby chic. I don’ t think that was a compliment. However, therein lies the distinction that I have to make: when does cheap become too cheap? Looking down at that cover, I realized, it looks too cheap if it looks like I made it, or if iUniverse made it. So, I sent it back. If it still looks cheap, I’ll send it back again. Beyond that, I’ll blame Jarrod.

The Big Idea

2009-09-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not one of those looking for the next Big Idea. You know: with scientists, it might be an earth-shattering formula like E=Mc2; with businesspersons, it might be some great retail website like Amazon.com; with inventors, it’s of course that one great invention like the, uh, the Chop-O-Matic, I guess.

Well, with writers, it's usually The Great American Novel, and while I'd certainly like to write The Great American Novel, I’m not obsessed with finding the one Big Idea needed to do it. I feel I have some pretty good ideas, but I’m not sure if any add up to Great American Novel material — but I don’t sweat it.

Maybe I should. Most of my story ideas fizzle out. But I don’t consider that a failure when it happens; it's simply a process I’ve been following for most of my writing life. When I realize my story is flopping and cannot be saved, I calmly move on to the next story. I never panic, probably because I’ve always assumed everybody works this way. Also, I do complete a goodish number of stories I attempt. The percentage for me is about one in three. One in three ideas is worth finishing. Not that completing an idea means it's any good, but it's worth finishing, at least. The rest I quit on.

That's why I'm not big on most people's view on quitting. When I was a kid and wanted to give up on something — boy scouts, tennis, trumpet, piano, or whatever — I'd hear, "You don't want to be a quitter, do you?" Actually, yes, in some cases I do. If you're so worried about quitting, or so worried that the next idea won’t be the Big Idea, you'll never try anything. Better to try and quit than never to try at all.

I've got plenty more to say about the subject, but I'm starting to think this post does not contain any big ideas.

Is Your Reading List Appropriate?

2009-09-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

I’m always curious to find out what people are reading. I don’t know why; like it matters in the grand scheme of things. Although, it does seem like the grand scheme of things is sort of irrelevant—what would matter in the grand scheme of things? I personally have a pull toward reading things that are awesome. My idea of awesome swings wider than Tom Delay’s new dancin’ ball sack, but when I do sit down to read the next book on my list, I am so excited I want to poop in my pants. Whatever it may be (on my new list is Egger’s Zeitoun, Williams’ Augustus, something or other by D.H. Lawrence [still haven’t read one of his novels], Jung’s upcoming Red Book, etc., etc., etc.) I want this to change my life.

It’s funny how disappointed I get when I hear what other people are reading, or are planning on reading. I think you should read whatever the hell you want to read, for sure, because the new Tom Clancy is probably better for you than The Apprentice. I like it when people get embarrassed with their current reads. Have you noticed that people can't say that they are reading the Twilight books without grinning. I can’t tell if that makes me want to read them or not.

As for one of my ongoing reading lists, I’m trying to work my way through Modern Library’s Top 100 Novels of the Century. Have you seen this? So far, I’ve read:

1. ULYSSES by James Joyce
2. THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald
3. A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN by James Joyce
4. LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov
5. BRAVE NEW WORLD by Aldous Huxley
6. THE SOUND AND THE FURY by William Faulkner
7. CATCH-22 by Joseph Heller
8. DARKNESS AT NOON by Arthur Koestler
10. THE GRAPES OF WRATH by John Steinbeck
11. UNDER THE VOLCANO by Malcolm Lowry
13. 1984 by George Orwell 15. TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf
17. THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER by Carson McCullers
18. SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE by Kurt Vonnegut
24. WINESBURG, OHIO by Sherwood Anderson
31. ANIMAL FARM by George Orwell
35. AS I LAY DYING by William Faulkner
41. LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding
45. THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway
52. PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT by Philip Roth
56. THE MALTESE FALCON by Dashiell Hammett
64. THE CATCHER IN THE RYE by J.D. Salinger
65. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by Anthony Burgess
67. HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad
71. A HIGH WIND IN JAMAICA by Richard Hughes
76. THE PRIME OF MISS JEAN BRODIE by Muriel Spark
86. RAGTIME by E.L. Doctorow
88. THE CALL OF THE WILD by Jack London
93. THE MAGUS by John Fowles
94. WIDE SARGASSO SEA by Jean Rhys
97. THE SHELTERING SKY by Paul Bowles

That’s only 31 out of 100, which means I have a lot of reading to do, along with all the other crap I want to read. How many do you have? It’s funny that I feel fairly well read until I look at one of these classics lists, especially one so tied down to a specific century. (And how many Hank James’ books need to go on one list?) I call this an ongoing list, since I know I won’t be monogamous to it, but work at it slowly, at angles, like a side project or a prostitute. How many have you read? Should we all get together and knock these out? If you think you can read a book a week, give or take, we could do it in two years. We can do this people. Who’s with me?

What You Don't Know

2009-09-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

As a guy who spends a lot of time reading, writing, and creating books, I’m dumbfounded by an oft-used insult you might have heard before: “What you don’t know can fill a book!” Ever heard that? Maybe someone’s even said it to you. Well, here’s my thinking about that line: It’s ridiculous.

You see, books are not that long. Anyone who offers that line has obviously never read a book all the way through, or else he would surely realize that one book isn’t all that much info. In fact, I would feel pretty blessed if all I didn’t know could fit into a single tome. I would be wholly delighted.

The next time someone tells you that what you don’t know can fill a book, take it as a high compliment and thank him. And to those of you who do use that cliché insult, trade it out for this one instead: “You don’t know the first thing about (some given topic)!” That’s a better one. Still cliché, but at least it makes sense.

Just don't use it on me, because I have a defense. My mission is to learn the first thing about every single topic. That way, if someone says to me, for example, “You don’t know the first thing about assembling a tractor,” I can say, “Sure I do. The first thing about assembling a tractor is to ‘Remove the steel angle iron crate and plastic from around the tractor, and check over its components.’*

Also, and this is completely unrelated to the above discussion, but why are snakes always in such pissy moods?

*Tractor assembly step quoted above is from the Jimna Tractor Assembly Process, which is detailed at http://www.ycsunny.com/Support.html.

Wide Array Gets a Theme Park

2009-09-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

With the upcoming opening of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park, Wide Array would like to announce its own theme park: A Wide Array of Book-Centered Activities. We don't have much planned right now, but we're work-shopping a few ideas. Land-wise, we'll be starting in Jarrod's backyard, and hopefully expanding from there. He's got a couple thousand books (a lot of junk in there for Half.com purposes, but nevertheless) so we were thinking we could put them in big stacks and make the library labyrinth from The Name of the Rose. We also have a ride called the Grapes of Wrath Path, which takes you on a small journey from the driveway all the way to the chair where Jarrod read Grapes of Wrath. You can sit in the chair and imagine Jarrod imagining being whisked away to California with the Joads. We are also thinking of a piece where you can look through Jarrod's cupboard, which would have some tie-in with Kafka's "The Hunger Artist." Like I said, we are still tweaking some of these ideas. If you have any, don't hesitate to suggest them. Just consider that the budget for any one ride must be less than or equal to $0, and it must related to a book. Here's another one that just came to me: The Tell-Tale Floorboards. Here, groups of visitors and I will tear up Jarrod's floor, looking for the copy of The Complete Tales & Poems of Edgar Allan Poe, which he swears he gave back to me but didn't.

Publishing Defined

2009-09-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

Indie pubbers don't get to do much pubbing. At least, these indie pubbing partners don't. But then, that's the name of the game—well, not exactly. The name of the game is publishing, and the name's part of the problem.

You see, the term publishing isn't exactly what it sounds like. When most people think of publishing, they think of printing books, but book printing only happens somewhere in the middle of the publishing game. For the two sad souls who make up Wide Array, publishing actually entails writing, reading, laughing, crying, crying while trying to make it look like laughing, drinking, complaining, editing, editing, editing, paying, and then printing. But let me stop here to clarify that at Wide Array we don't actually do the printing; we just pay the printing bill. Printers print.

Anyway, at that point we've got the books, but my definition of publishing isn't over yet. Publishing is also selling, begging, and then begging some more, and then selling, and then realizing that selling is begging and begging is selling, and then there's crying while trying to make it look like laughing, and then there's real laughing because insanity has set in, and then there's editing.

It can be frustrating. But that's the name of the game. Or is the name of the game publishing? I forget.

The Lost Symbol

2009-09-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

Anyone else as excited as me about the new Dan Brown? I'm pumped. I like that there are writers like Dan Brown out there. It's comforting. For The Lost Symbol, I "hear" things all over the web about new conspiracies and something about Freemasons. I'm not sure who the Freemasons are; I think they wear those thimble hats and ride tiny motorcycles. The book, though, sounds awesome. And how could it not be? it has the following line: "'Actually, Katherine, it's not gibberish.' His eyes brightened again with the thrill of discovery. 'It's ... Latin.'"

I haven't read one of Dan Brown's books myself, but I like to get worked up about literary events, even if I'm not particularly interested in the product itself. For instance, I stood in line for the new Harry Potter book, but I didn't buy it. After waiting in line for about three hours, cold, basking in the camaraderie of two hundred kids and their understanding parents, I just browsed a little, bought some coffee. It's good to feel part of a club. And, of course, nothing kills my desire to drop $29.95 for a book than to stand in line for a long lunch. Maybe that's my version of sleeping on it.

Collateral Creativity

2009-09-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

There’s an interesting phenomenon that happens amid creative endeavors: often your brain simply won’t stop working at night—especially when you want it to so that you can get some blessed shuteye—and so you come up with some crazy ideas that have no business existing in the first place. At least, that’s what happens to me.

I’m working on a novel these days, and lately when I’m trying to sleep, my mind—for no reason that I can figure—torments me with insane games. To wit, I recently woke up with this question: If eighties musicians (or savvy cover bands) decided to re-record eighties hits for the modern digital age, how might they re-title them?

I couldn’t go back to sleep till I came up with some answers:

Huey Lewis and the News: “I Want a New Blog”
Michael Jackson: “Tweet It”
George Michael: “I Want Your Text”
Prince: “When Doves Skype”
Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes: "(I’ve Had) The Time of Myspace”
Simply Red: “If YouTube Don’t Know Me By Now”
Power Station: “Some Like It Hotmail”

In case you’re wondering, yes, I do know there’s a war going on and the economy’s in the toilet. But sometimes the brain just wants to play. In fact, those of you whose brains offer up their own brand of collateral creativity might now be up all night playing “Eighties Hits in the Digital Age.” If so, I apologize, but do feel free to post your own responses here.

A Little Bit of Professionalism

2009-09-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

When I think of all the things that I don’t know, I get a little shutter. In the short while it’s been since we started Wide Array, I can’t believe how much information I’ve gathered. This is not bragging—this is just to say how stupid I was beforehand. The things that we’ve brought to our new and improved table are probably inconsequential side notes for most readers of Wide Array material; however, I would like to say that determining a house style should be of high import. We’ve taken on The Chicago Manual of Style, and so far we love it. Why? Because prior to that, we used nothing.

I think determining a style is the first step that your average writer should take. I read a lot of unpublished stories, being in the industry, and I’ve noticed that there seems to be a running theme, which is that few people are making grammatical decisions for their work as a whole. Inconsistency is kind of a hard one to ignore, because it looks lazy, whether you are lazy or not. I was actually lazy when I wouldn’t proofread my own work, but that’s just how I rolled. Now it just feels stupid if I have sentences like this:

a) “Jarrod weight 200 pounds.”
b) “Because he was weighed two-hundred and 40 lbs before he lost it.”
c) “I way in the low hunnerds.”

Now, we’d all like to congratulate Jarrod on his weight loss, yet the sentence structure itself poses a few problems. Unless this was a deleted scene from a Faulkner novel, we would probably want to determine how we would like to appear as writers. I taught freshman composition for a while, and the above is not uncommon for modern, in-coming freshman at the community college level. This is a real sentence I got in class once: “I like swim with doffins.”

Maybe I’m talking about too different things hear. If you want to be a writer, I’d suggest perusing a good style guide, like The Chicago or something similar. I like it because it makes more sense to me than AP Style, which is obviously for commies. Within its pages, you will develop good habits that will become second nature. Then, on the other hand, if you don’t care about quality, you just want to finish it, I’d do what I did in college, which is to assume that if I am doing it, it’s infallible, so its noteven worth proofreeding.

The Truth Sets Us Free

2009-09-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

As the fall release of our second anthology, Upstart Crows II: True Stories, draws nigh, the moderately curious have been asking two questions: Why a sequel? And, why true stories? I have easy answers to both.

To begin, the reason for the sequel is simple: to bridge the way to Upstart Crows III: Crow Hard With a Vengeance, due out late next year. Really, though, why not do another? The original Upstart Crows got a good reception, even better than we expected, and, honestly, we had a blast doing it. Our goal is to keep going with Crows anthologies between other projects, as long as time, tenacity, and a modicum of legal tender exists.

As for the true stories, the first Crows anthology was mostly literary fiction, but we thought it would be fun to play around with genres as we moved from sequel to sequel. Originally, the idea was to do a horror anthology our second time around. We opened up submissions for a few months, but the result was—shall we say—less than inspiring. The true stories concept came up on a whim, but it stuck—and one day the rest may be history. Only time will tell.

By the way, in a recent post I mentioned that pre-ordering of Upstart Crows II: True Stories is available on our website. If interested, click here. It's said that Wide Array books are good for the soul. (Well, we say that.)

When Can I Start My Cover Band?

2009-08-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

At some point, your success is really just a window through which you can climb to get to that thing you really want to do—aka, your cover band. It's not that I don't want to be a writer, I just really would like to get to the point where some writer friends and I are playing "Louie, Louie" at the Shasta Pavilion to a bunch of Hawaiian shirts and their children—most of whom already have the Funky Chicken down. We'll tell jokes about not being very good, when, really, we think we're not too bad, since people come to see us, and we're famous, so the equipment sounds pretty good. Maybe Wide Array will start a cover band. We can be called WA & The Nails on the Chalkboard. We're going to cover the Forrest Gump soundtrack, start to finish. Maybe encore with a couple of numbers that don't mean anything, like In-a-Gadda-da-Vida. So keep your eyes open, and I'll get to work on it. The only question that remains: have you heard about the bird?

Come Back, Readers, Especially If You're Writers

2009-08-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

If you’ve ever taken a creative writing class, you probably know that, sadly, a large number of hopeful writers are not readers. I found this out years ago when I was one of a group of students at a writing workshop. We were asked to introduce ourselves by saying our names and the last novel we read. While most remembered their own names, many could not recall the last book they had read. The typical excuse was something like being too busy to read these days or something.

Well, I know there are about a bazillion other ways to get an entertainment fix—I mean, I watch TV and fool around on the Internet, too. So it makes sense to me that the percentage of dedicated readers is down now compared to yesterday. At the same time, the high number of young hopefuls entering writing programs these days—whether at a university or some other institution—is a testament to the fact that the written word still holds some allure. The question then is, why aren’t these writers readers?

I don’t have a definite answer for that—perhaps you do and, if so, feel free to comment. But were I to guess, I’d say that, though the written word has some obvious attraction for developing writers, many of them are pulled more by the hope for high earnings and glory than the thrill of creating a rich tapestry of words that truly captures the hearts and minds of others. To do the latter can only come from a dedicated combination of reading and writing, rather than the naive assumption that one can blindly press a few keys and crank out a tour de force.

And besides, even if you could, what does it say about the writer who doesn’t read? Just the thought makes this indie pubber shudder. Still, I'm optimistic: If the desire to write exists in so many, perhaps both creative writing and reading could play a more substantial role in grade schools, one informing the other, possibly instilling an early love for both that might just last a lifetime.

Something to think about, anyway.

How Do You Feel About Pro Bono Work?

2009-08-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

Trying to get anything done around here, I feel that I'm asking this question all the time. Usually, it goes like this: me, "How do you feel about pro bono work? You see, I'm an indie publisher and--hey, where are you going?!"

I should say that I have to ask because I'm broke. I mean, I'm not below the poverty line personally (although I can see it through the bars of my apartment windows). But trying to get projects together means that I have to call in favors, cut corners, lie, cheat, steal, etc. I don't mind the last few of those, but there's something really painful about asking people for help. I realize that it would be absurd not to utilize your free resources--that's how I talk myself into hopping on the treadmill at my apartment "gym." Few people are getting anywhere without a little help from their friends. That's the difference between people who get something done and people who don't, I'm starting to realize.

In publishing, there's a lot of stuff to do. And if I truly believe in the quality of the project, then I think others will certainly want to be involved as well. People don't mind doing favors. Hell, I do them constantly--I used to own a pickup truck. The point is, once people are as excited as you, then helpful resources begin to blossom. It certainly feels very politicianish, but if I had any money, I wouldn't have to ask.

So, what do you do, and how do you feel about pro bono work?